frequently asked questions
- What is a sexologist?
- A sexologist is a professional who is educated in the study of human sexuality. The field can include sex therapists, counselors, educators, and researchers.
- How do you define sexuality?
- Sexuality is a natural part of who we are. We are all sexual beings, although we express our sexuality differently as we grow up. Our sexuality includes our sense of gender, our body image, our sexual orientation, our sexual behaviors, our emotions, and the roles we play in relationships. It is much bigger than what we do and who we do it with.
- How do you define sexual health?
- The Trojan Sexual Health Advisory Council (that I serve on) defines sexual health as the experience of enjoying our sexuality — both emotionally and physically — throughout our lives. Being sexually healthy contributes to an overall healthy life and involves: understanding that we are sexual by nature, taking care of our sexual and reproductive systems, being able to experience sexual pleasure, satisfaction and intimacy when ready, and protecting and respecting ourselves and others. Sexual health is best realized through personal awareness, communication and access to accurate information and services.
- What led you down this unique career path? What message about sexuality are you hoping to ultimately convey?
- The short answer is that I just didn't think that there were enough young women speaking openly about sexuality. But while that's true, the answer isn't that simple. Growing up, in all other areas of my life I was a confident and capable woman. But when it came to sexuality, I found myself (and my other smart and empowered friends) making really poor decisions about sex—and I'm not talking about not using condoms. We were just starting to understand our sexuality but we weren't speaking up about pleasure and we believed that someone "made" us sexual; that we weren't sexual on our own. How wrong we were! Once I figured this out, I wanted to make sure that all people had the ability to get positive and healthy messages about sexuality. Sex isn't a dirty word. Sexuality is an important part of our lives and our overall health. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
- What role does the media play in how American's define their own sexuality?
- The media (for good and bad) helps us to shape our sense of self and our sexuality. At its best, the media offers us accurate information and shows us the many different people, shapes, sizes, and relationships that exist in the world. At its worst, the media perpetuates misinformation, a skewed perspective of what is sexy or beautiful, and is sexually exploitative or gratuitous. We need to learn how to critically evaluate the media so that we recognize messaging as well as the difference between being entertained and being educated.
- What is the difference between abstinence and comprehensive sex education?
- Though our country has spent over $1.5 billion on abstinence only until marriage education, the results of a government funded study show that these interventions have proven to be a complete failure. The majority of Americans (including myself) believe in comprehensive sexuality education, which encourages an honest discussion of all aspects of sexuality, including, but certainly not limited to, abstinence. Comprehensive education is medically sound, ethical, supports diversity, and teaches students how to negotiate and evaluate the situations they may find themselves in. By comparison, abstinence only until marriage education does not offer any discussion of contraceptive methods except for saying (incorrectly) that they fail and that abstinence is the key to a good life. For more information about sexuality education, you can check out SIECUS (The Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States).
- What advice can you give to couples about having an open discussion about their sexual histories?
- No one said that listening to your partner go on and on about his/her past experiences was easy—nor is it easy to speak of openly, but it is a necessity. It allows us to fully connect with our partners and make informed decisions about our sexual health. But often times, couples freak out because their partners may be more "experienced" than them. Try not to panic. Keep in mind that our experiences (the good and the regrettable) allow us to be the men and women we are today. Without these experiences, we might not be in our relationship now. If you feel jealous or angry hearing these histories, just remember that your partner chose you—not anyone else. And if your partner is judgmental (or mean-spirited) about what you have done in the past, than he or she may not be the right one for you. A good partner never makes us feel badly about what we have done.
- What is the best method of protection against STDs?
- If you are going to engage in sexual behaviors, the absolute best protection we have against STDs is a combination of condoms, honest communication with partners about our sexual health, and regular STD testing.
- What role, if any, do you think gender and sexuality play in American politics?
- Any role? Sorry for the sarcasm, but gender and sexuality play a tremendous role in American politics and it goes beyond equal rights for men and women. Comprehensive sexuality education, a woman's ability to make decisions for her own body, a woman's right to access services (including abortion) and pharmaceutical prescriptions, a gay couple's ability to marry and adopt, insurance coverage for birth control and sex reassignment surgery, even a woman's ability to breastfeed in public are all up for discussion. Our sexuality is an innate part of our identity and all of us should be entitled to make independent and educated decisions for ourselves. The problem is that many of our politicians are just not educated in these subjects. Hopefully, this will soon change.
- As a mother, what guidance can you give to other parents about initiating a healthy discussion about sexuality with their children?
- I know how difficult it can be to initiate this conversation. However, being a parent means tackling the hard issues, too. If you need motivation, keep in mind that if you don't talk to your kids about sexuality, you default to all of the other far less reputable sources—the media, the kids on the school bus, and so on. It's perfectly acceptable to be uncomfortable with the subjest matter and you should acknowledge this discomfort with your children. They will respect the fact that you are being honest with them.
- What things are key to having a sexually healthy relationship?
- In order to have a sexually healthy relationship, you must first feel good about yourself and your own sexuality. It is impossible to engage in a healthy relationship if you are expecting a partner to magically "fix" you. Other than that, the keys to a healthy relationship are open communication, tackling issues as they come up instead of letting them fester, mutual pleasure (not one partner doing all the "servicing"), and emotional and physical equality (where both partners having equal say in the relationship, are respected for their individuality, and are both responsible for protection and testing).